Seeking
by sunandsteel
Summary: They were just two teenagers; people, seeking something in the form of another warm, human body. LilySirius.


Disclaimer: not mine.

A/N: I apologise in advance for this pairing; but I wanted to try something different.

* * *

It all started in transfiguration. It was never her strong point; her best subject was potions and everyone knew that. They had been paired together; something which had both angered and excited her and she felt her heartbeat begin to race when he sat at her table.

He unnerved her. He stood entirely too close, so close that she could feel the heat coming from his body. His smell was alluring. It gave her shivers down her spine and she kept making mistakes on her wand movements.

They were completing their essays in the library that night. He chose to sit next to her at the table, and every so often his knee would accidentally run against her thigh and he would give a quick mumble "Sorry". It made her pulse race and her breath quicken.

Her body was tingling all over from nerves, anticipation, excitement? She wasn't sure. All she knew was that she was getting over her head. She was not supposed to fall for someone like Sirius Black. She was a good girl; studious, polite, and she did not sleep around like so many of the girls he seduced. She refused to become a notch on his bedpost.

His arm was around the back of her chair. She could feel his fingertips against her back. It was the lightest of touches, and yet it felt like fire against her skin even through her robes. She had stopped breathing altogether. All of a sudden his lips were on hers and his tongue was in her mouth, and every bad thought she had about Sirius Black had flown out of her brain.

* * *

It continued for weeks. A snog in the corner of the library. A midnight tryst in the common room when everyone had gone to sleep. It was dangerous, and wrong, and it both exhilarated and frightened her.

She knew she should feel guilty about letting Sirius Black take her virginity, but she didn't. She wasn't herself when he was with her. When his mouth was on hers and his hands were up her shirt and unbuttoning her jeans, she couldn't think. It was something beyond her control.

Of course, they had to hide it. The repercussions from what they were doing would be catastrophic; and it was not something she would like to experience. James Potter still stared at her from afar at the Gryffindor table. She tried to pretend she didn't feel Sirius' gaze too.

It didn't mean anything. They were just two teenagers; _people_, seeking something in the form of another warm, human body. She told herself she was seeking comfort from the dangers that awaited her when she left Hogwarts. She wasn't sure what he was looking for.

* * *

It was during one particular evening that the seriousness of what she had become involved in finally hit her. She was in the common room; working on an essay by the fire. He had come in through the portrait hole, his long hair looking windswept and his eyes looking bright. She felt a dull ache in the pit of her stomach and resisted the urge to run up to him. Someone else beat her to it.

She was everything she wasn't. Tall, curvy, with a cleavage that Sirius was not-so-subtly staring at. Lily feigned ignorance. Her potions book hid her face from him; but she could still hear his deep voice as he flirted with yet another nameless face. It wasn't until the tears hit the pages of her book that she realised she was crying.

* * *

"We need to end this."

He raised his head to peer at her. They were in the common room; it was long past midnight and they were meeting up for another one of their 'trysts'. She was standing by the long-extinguished fire; her arms wrapped around her body.

"End what?" His eyes had a challenging gleam to them.

She sighed and ran her hands along her arms. "This." She made a vague gesture between their bodies. "Whatever we've been doing."

He looked at her, as if contemplating what she was telling him. Like it was something he could _debate_.

"No," he said, smiling smugly at her. "No, I don't think we do."

She sighed again, and ran her hands through her hair. He was infuriating; he knew she was weak around him. Usually she was a strong, opinionated and not easily influenced. He took all of that away from her. He made her feel exposed, naked. It was as if she was a room he had stripped the wallpaper off and left bare.

* * *

They never did end it, in the end. It became so easy to hide that it was second nature to her. She could even lie to her friends, telling them she was in the library one night, or covering rounds for certain prefects the next. They had both covered it up so well that no one knew about it even after they graduated.

He had decided to visit her flat. It made her feel nervous; she was always on edge around him. He was always so confident and sure; it unnerved her and gave her the feeling she couldn't control things. He had declared they should 'christen' the rooms with a down-right predatory grin which made her body shudder and tingle all over.

She woke up the next morning to an empty bed and a note.

_We should've ended this ages ago. At least we'll always remember last night. _

_S. _

She threw the nearest object she could find - an empty coffee mug. It flew from her hand and shattered against the wall.

* * *

Her heart had just been shattered by someone who had never even cared about her; and now she was being forced to play bridesmaid for her sister's joke of a wedding. She felt disconnected from everything - her body was there, but her mind and heart were not.

She was standing in her mother's kitchen, arranging the flowers for the bridesmaids to hold. They were of course; petunias - a vile choice for a wedding Lily thought, and she knew she was going to look ridiculous. Her sister entered the room and immediately looked at her with distain.

"Let me do it, you're messing it up." She ordered, something which Lily was happy to oblige. "You could show a bit more enthusiasm, you know." Petunia was rather violently cutting the stems of the flowers. "Just because _you_," she pointed the scissors at Lily. "don't have any form of marriage prospects in the near or distant future, doesn't mean you should deprive me of my happiness."

She felt her chest constrict as she realised, with a wash of sadness, that Petunia was right.

* * *

It had been months since she'd seen Sirius. Slowly but surely she had managed to forget about him, and regain her personality again. She was no longer shy-Lily, or pushover-Lily; she was the witty Lily who made everyone at the dinner table laugh. She was the Lily who went out on dates with young, good-looking wizards. She felt happy again.

It was during a busy Saturday afternoon that she seen James Potter for the first time in almost a year. She had thought about him, definitely. She often wondered why it had been Sirius she had taken up with; when everyone had pretty much bet on her and James ending up together. Marriage, kids, and a white picket fence.

He looked good. She finally allowed herself to admit that James Potter was attractive. He was wearing jeans and a Beatles tee. The fact that he listened to muggle music appealed to her. He was standing in Flourish and Blotts, his head deep in a book on Quidditch.

"Finally decided to crack open a book then, Potter?" She teased. He looked up immediately, his eyes wide. A pleasant smile tugged on the corners of his mouth, and he looked genuinely pleased to see her. Her stomach fluttered.

"Yeah, figured I'd see what all the fuss was about." He replied. "How've you been Evans?"

Hearing him say her name again brought her Hogwarts days back. She felt a happy feeling in the pit of her stomach; and she realised that she was pleased to see him too. The knowledge of this struck her.

"I've been good." She replied, which wasn't exactly a lie. She picked a book off the shelf and flicked through it. "Why don't we go for dinner and talk more?" It was that easy. She had just asked James Potter out on a date and she was excited about it. Maybe Petunia had been wrong…

"Lily Evans is asking me out," James said incredulously, although he was grinning at her. "I'll definitely have to document this moment."

Lily grinned back. "Do you keep a diary, Potter?"

"No," he replied, his eyes dancing with humour. "But I might have to start one."


End file.
